This guy is 6-foot-6, 250 pounds, and likes to go around wearing a KILT.  Now we know why:  Easy access.

A 60-year-old man named Mitchell Vest is facing charges after he walked into two antique stores in Houston wearing a kilt . . . shoved items up his NO-GO HOLE . . . then put them back on the shelf.  (!!!)

He did it with a makeup brush and another item police described as a “hardware piece.”  Then at the second store, he did it with an antique bottle opener and some sort of vintage tobacco can.

All total, the four items were valued at just over $200 and had to be thrown out.  Employees also sanitized their other items, just in case.

It sounds like he was there with his wife.  Workers said they’d seen them both before and described Mitchell as “really nice.”

He’s facing charges for criminal mischief, and it’ll be hard to deny he did it.  There’s security footage.

(KPRC / The Smoking Gun / Fort Worth Star-Telegram)

(Here’s his mugshot. has the security footage.)